and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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