I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
