Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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