Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
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