I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
