The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
