Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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