Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
