I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
