why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
