I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
