i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
