Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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