i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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