Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
