it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
