i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
