I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Mom said you looked used
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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