I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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