And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
