You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
