I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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