so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
