just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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