i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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