I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
