I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
