rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
