Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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