she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
There's even glitter on my cock...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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