Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
