Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Dicks are not precious.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
