Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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