4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
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He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
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Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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