I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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