I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
