She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
