I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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