Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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