You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
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I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
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Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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