Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
