his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
