Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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