i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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