You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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