i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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