I think i peed on brittanys purse
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
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