dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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