He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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