My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
