I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
