I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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