she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
