Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
