I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
