the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
