Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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