I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
